My great grandfather

When I was young I was exceptionally privileged to have my great grandparents living and to be close enough to them to see them practically every weekend. My great grandfather was an exceptionally brilliant man. He suffered greatly for it in his lifetime though, much guilt and shame for him was the price of his high intelligence. He was not allowed to go to war as he was the only one who could fix all the things worth fixing back home. SO all the other men went to war and he was left to fix all the things the woman used that broke. He was horribly shamed by this and could never quite forgive himself for being who he was and being put in a position that was lesser. I know that the reason why they kept him here was so that work could get done and that he was absolutely the best man for the job. He could have been lost in the war and then the world would not have some of the things it has.

But he told me something once that has stuck with me. It reverberates in my head and fills my thoughts. I use it as motivation and it fuels my drive.

I can't remember when he said it or where... it was most likely in his garden and I was probably not more than ten, it was after he gave me my first medical textbook but before I had firmly accepted medicine or research as a calling.

He said it in a way that was more wise and honest than I have ever been told another thing. He was quiet and soft and commanding. He knew the truth behind what he was about to say and he was going to give me the best gift he could by saying the words.

The weight of the sentence was not lost on him and he was going to save me from myself right then and there. He was going to give to me what someone had not given to him. He was going to make it ok for me to be just like him.... make it ok to be smart and to be different. Somehow these words were going to make everything what it should have been, and I knew it. I was quiet and waited so patiently for what seemed like forever.

"you owe the world for what it has given you, rarely do people have the chance to do something great beyond what they will ever know and you will never fully understand it but you owe it to the world to do it."

Believe me these words have saved me a million times over. They save me from feeling as left out of the loop as I probably am, they let me off the hook when I feel as though people are too difficult to deal with because of their lack of understanding, they pick me up off the floor when i feel as though I can't give anymore, they fuel my drive and fan the fire under me when I am caught in a rut like I am now. Mostly, they smooth over the technicalities of writing out all the pieces that my brain flips over so quickly and refuses to slow down for so that i can type out the words. They give me patience and resilience.

I miss him nearly on a daily basis. Perhaps if he was here I could have more quietness than I presently do. Perhaps I wouldn't have so many questions to ask about how to make it go faster or to slow myself down. I would maybe not feel so alone some days, there would still be days but he'd be there for me. They'd pass quicker and I'd be better than I am because of it. I'd feel less of a need to tell everyone about and mark each little success because he would be patient and only want to know when it was all done and I would be able to let go of this urgency and sense of doom that somehow it won't get done.

Maybe too I could tell him that he owed something to the world and he had done it. Not only had he done what he owed to the world but he had allowed me to do what I needed to too. I am an agnostic... there is not enough proof for me either way... but if he could hear me or I could see him once again.... "thank you" would never be enough.